Below is a small section of a group chat with anonamised gay men about S&M and Survivors

A>>As a sex worker selling Dom Top persona and a man with a heart the assumption that Dom Top means abuse, humiliation and degradation makes me sad and frustrated. Stick to Daddy, the boys still expect you to whip them but you can be calmly assertive and warm hearted even. Fuck all that machismo Dom bullshit.

B>>I was, like, "Tell me what you're into," and his response was, "You've got to tell me what you want and use me," and in my head, I'm thinking, "I wanna stroke your furry chest and make out." But he didn't want to be "used" in that way. I agree, I should be comfortable with who I am, which is an assertive daddy who also likes to cuddle and make out before and after we get down to business.

A>>The wounds of abuse and neglect a lot of dudes harbor is released in BDSM. A lot of guys seek out Dom Tops to have these painful scenes recreated, a lot of times their not fully aware of why or what their truly asking for, like when your boy stalled and told you to use him.  Like always, youshould never feel pressured sexually to do anything you don’t want to do.

B>>I agree with the Dom Top meaning abuse and humiliation being sad. That's why we still should use BDSM and be specific which letters you are / are into. Bondage doesn't have to come with the D, S OR M. Same with rest of the of them. So really, people that like being abusive and humiliating are sadistic tops Dom just = In charge. Which could still could be vanilla sex really; just, on person calling the shots on positions etc.

C>>Wow never ever heard anyone else say that I used to script scenes with rent to act out the abuse i experienced i guess it gave me control and allowed me to process and move forward in my life but people i told about it couldnt understand. thanks, maybe we need to add rent to a list of services survivors need to potential access not just psyco therapy

A>>I’ve thought of that. I believe some of my clients are using me therapeutically. They may not fully understand that at first. I usually address that after a few sessions.

D>>I feel totally the same way!!! It takes time to build trust, communication and intimacy which are the foundations of sexually playful relationships...

E>>  I'd just feel awkward not offering them tea or something lol.

C>> I like to be in control of being used and I like to do that nurturing and nesting stuff after

A>> Also, I think there’s something powerful, incredibly sexy and worthwhile in taking these moments of negativity and turning them into a positive. As in, reclaiming BDSM from self loathing abandon to states of intense realization and submission of ego, or the ecstatic state of being totally served by another or restore trust by completing giving one’s self to another. It’s good shit, really hot.